Will I have a Mother or Monster-in-law?

Whenever anyone gets married one of the biggest looming worries is, “What will my in-laws be like? Will I have a Mother or Monster-in-law?” Fortunately, I think that both Richard and I lucked out. Why is it that everyone worries about these things? Whenever two people come together in marriage, it is not only two people. Instead it is the joining and merging of two families into one with the central binding link being the newly wedded couple. There are years of traditions and prejudices on both sides that now need to be gone through and changed into something new. Will your in-laws or parents be okay with you changing out their tradition for the others. While this doesn’t consciously go through your mind when you think about your new future in-laws, I think that subconsciously it does. You know that you have at least one thing in common with them, their child, your spouse.

It can be a very trying thing to be thrown in with a bunch of people that you’ve never met, so you’re the outsider, yet you know that you are now intimately tied to them for forever. When it comes time for the holidays you may want to stay close to home and what you know. But I think that it is very important to build a good relationship with your in-laws and be willing to spend as much time with them as you do your own family.

I know that those first few years can be a very difficult time, especially if your families are at different stages in life. I know that I am the second oldest in my family, so we still have a lot of weddings and missions and things that we are constantly going to support. Richard on the other hand is second youngest so all of those big events have already passed. As your marriage gets more established, you’ll be able to find that middle ground between your two families, and until then just remember that you love them both. And that there are different times in your lives when you will favor one side over the other and ultimately that’s okay.

Then Comes a Baby

First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage. At least that’s how the nursery rhyme goes. But what changes come along with that baby carriage? It can start with the sleepless nights and taking a lot of naps during the day. And a lot of couples can find themselves focusing on their children and helping them to learn and grow with each passing day. Unfortunately, a lot of couples find that after the children have left the house that their relationship isn’t how they remember it. This is usually because they have been focusing so much on their children that they have not had time to do things as a couple. How sad to spend at least 18 years together only to find out that you no longer know who your spouse is or what things they like to do.

While having children is absolutely a great blessing you still need to take time as a couple to work on your relationship each week. This does not have to be something large and elaborate. But, if you take at least an hour a week to really work on your relationship with your spouse your marriage and children will be blessed.

Another thing that you need to do when it comes to parenting is making sure that you are a united front. That means not throwing you spouse under the bus when your children start pressuring you to do things. If Dad said no then Mom needs to as well. Try your best to stand by each other’s parenting choices. If you don’t agree with what your spouse is doing take them aside and discuss it privately so that your kids don’t try to play off of both of you.

Lastly when you have children it is important to hold family councils, especially as they get older. Let your children have their own voice when it comes to making decisions, particularly when those decisions affect their lives as well. When everyone has an equal say in things there is less resentment and more peace in the home because everyone understands why certain decisions were made.

Should you have Boundaries

This week we’ve been talking a lot about intimacy, and how to protect your marriage from those things that could break in and destroy that intimacy like infidelity and pornography. Obviously, because of the subject, this makes things a lot harder to talk about, but I’ll do my best. No one ever goes into a marriage with the thought that they will become addicted to pornography or be unfaithful to their spouse. So, how does this happen? Obviously, I’m not an expert in this area but I hope to give my own thoughts and opinion on the subject.

 Fortunately, Richard and I have been married for four years now and not had do deal with any of this, but we have seen others that we are close to go through these things. Now like I said earlier, no one ever goes into a marriage with the thought that they will become addicted to pornography or be unfaithful to their spouse. In the world of medicine, they say it’s a lot easier to prevent something than to treat it, and the same can be applied to your marriage. If you and your spouse have talked about these things and set up boundaries beforehand then you won’t have to worry as much about finding out something someday. As with everything there is no one size fits all, so what I share below are some of the things that Richard and I have done to help protect our marriage.

The key for us is openness. Yes, we both have locks on our phones and computers, but we have shared that information with each other. Now that does not mean that we are snooping and looking for trouble on each other’s devices, but it’s open to the both of us. We’re also very open about who our friends are and who we hang out with. If some guy from class texts me about something I’ll let Richard know so that he is aware of the communication and can stop it if he deems it necessary. The same thing goes for him. A lot of it also comes down to what you are comfortable with and looking at the spirit of what you are doing.

A few months ago, Richard and I went to a masquerade ball. It was a fun and amazing time. Partway through I was getting tired, so we sat down for a few songs. While we were sitting, I single young lady came up to us and asked me if she could dance with my date. I actually found the whole situation hilarious, so I said sure. I knew that I was right there and that there was nothing that they could do without my seeing it. I also knew that there were a lot more girls than guys at this dance, so seeing one sit on the side is never a fun thing. And finally, I knew that Richard would probably mention his wife and son, which he did. Will I say yes in every situation, no. But that’s a personal choice, and you’ll have to follow the spirit and your gut most of the time. Ultimately it’s a wise thing to put up boundaries before they are actually needed.

Looking to the Future

These past few weeks I have been reading two marriage help books, those are “The Seven Principles for making Marriage Work” by John M. Gottman and “Drawing Heaven into your Marriage” by H. Wallace Goddard. Both of these books have offered many new insights into my marriage that we hadn’t thought about before. I did find that these books focused more on how to keep your marriage from falling apart. Now, while Richard and I have argued about things in the past, it’s never been so out of control that our marriage came into question. That’s one of the things that I loved about Gottman’s book is that they don’t expect you to be perfect. Instead it’s about how you deal with all of your imperfections that matter. When Richard and I were dating we loved the song “All of Me” by John Legend. The chorus and second verse is our favorite part.

How many times do I have to tell you
Even when you're crying you're beautiful too
The world is beating you down, I'm around through every mood
You're my downfall, you're my muse
My worst distraction, my rhythm and blues
I can't stop singing, it's ringing, in my head for you

My head's under water
But I'm breathing fine
You're crazy and I'm out of my mind

'Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I'll give my all to you
You're my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I'm winning
'Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all, all of you

It’s important to remember that no one is perfect, and no marriage is perfect either. However, it’s when we put our imperfections together to create a brand-new whole that we can grow stronger as a couple and overcome the little things that could drag us down.

As I said earlier Richard and I aren’t perfect, but we are continually trying to be our best self’s and hopefully avoid the major problems. But when they come, I know that we are both better prepared to handle whatever comes our way.

He had it comin'

Every marriage has their problems, From full blown screaming matches to arguing about who's turn it is to do the dishes. Ultimately it comes down to how you handle and deal with those problems that will make the difference in your marriage. For most couples the screaming matches don't happen every day, but it's the little things that will add up over time until one day a dirty sock is what breaks the relationship. I am a lover of musicals and in writing this post my husband reminded me of the first verse in the Cell Block Tango from the musical Chicago. I think that it is a great example of what can happen when you let perpetual problems build up.

"You know how people have these little habits that get you down

Like Bernie

Bernie, he liked to chew gum

No, not chew, pop

So I came home this one day

And I'm really irritated

And I'm looking for a little bit o' sympathy

And there's Bernie lyin' on the couch, drinkin' a beer and chewin'

No, not chewin'

Poppin'

So, I said to him, I said "You pop that gum one more time"

And he did

So I took the shotgun off the wall

And I fired two warning shots

Into his head

He had it comin'

He had it comin'

He only had himself to blame

If you'd have been there

If you'd have heard it

I betcha you would have done the same"

While this is a more extreme example of dealing with perpetual problems just think how differently the story would have been had they dealt with her annoyance at Bernie's gum popping differently.

Contrast this song with my own experiences with my husband Richard. (Don't worry there are no shotguns involved) Richard comes from a family of six boys, no sisters. So in his house was the courteous thing to leave the toilet seat up. Unfortunately for me I did not find this as courteous. Especially when I tried to use the toilet in the middle of the night and almost fell in a few times. I could have handled it like the convict from Chicago...but I like Richard to much for that. So instead whenever I found the toilet seat up I would promptly call Richard into the bathroom so that he could close it and give me kisses at the same time. And it worked, although it did take about a year, and my bladder being full for a few more seconds than normally comfortable.

Ultimately do your best to turn those perpetual problems into a moment of joy. For me it meant that I got more kisses from my husband when he left the toilet seat up. What can you do to change your attitude about the little things?

Pride

This past week I've been studying more about pride, specifically on how it can affect our marriages. In a General Conference talk given by Ezra Taft Benson in 1989 he said, "Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves. Most of us consider pride to be a sin of those on the top, such as the rich and the learned, looking down at the rest of us. (See 2 Ne. 9:42.) There is, however, a far more common ailment among us—and that is pride from the bottom looking up. It is manifest in so many ways, such as faultfinding, gossiping, backbiting, murmuring, living beyond our means, envying, coveting, withholding gratitude and praise that might lift another, and being unforgiving and jealous." Often times you won't recognize the pride in yourself because you are being prideful. So how do we fix that. The key to fixing it is first to recognize that you are being prideful, and then to humble yourself and turn toward others.

In Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage by H. Wallace Goddard it reads, "In great literature—including scripture—the highest and noblest service entailed sacrifice and selflessness. In contrast, evil was always self-centered and self-serving." How true this is, at least in all of the books that I have read it's usually when the protagonist gives up everything that the situation turns around and actually gets better. In Goddard's book he also said, "To the modern mind, it doesn’t make logical “sense” that if we sacrifice our own wants and needs, in favor of our spouses, that we will find true joy and happiness."

I know that even though this doesn't follow with what the world tells us it is absolutely true. I have found that it is when I am serving and helping my husband Richard and my son Gideon, that I am at my happiest, even if it's when I'm doing something that I don't particularly like, like cleaning, it's when we're serving each other and working together that you can find great joy and watch your marriage grow.

Turning to your Spouse

With the "me" culture becoming so prevalent in today's society, how do we turn away from ourselves and toward our spouse? This past July my husband Richard graduated and  is currently in the process of waiting to hear back from Grad Schools for a Doctorate in Physical Therapy, he's currently driving school buses for the Middle and Elementary Schools. This April I will be graduating. I've found that since Richard has graduated, the little things have started to revolve more around me. This is mostly because I'm also working in the Sewing Labs, taking 14 credits and have had homework, and I'm also Pregnant and morning sickness has not been very nice to me. Because of these and other reasons Richard has ended up being the one doing the dishes, tending to Gideon, making dinner, all of the little  things that add up. 

To be honest even though the arrangement we have works, and makes sense for the situation we are in, I've been feeling like a bad spouse since I'm not participating in the traditional marriages allotment of chores, and things have been more focused on me and my needs, instead of Richards. Now I know that everyone's circumstances are different and adjustment need to be made so that each family is doing what's best for them, but that's simply how I've been feeling.

In Gottman's book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work he states, "The first step in turning toward each other more is simply to be aware of how crucial these mini-moments are, not only to your marriage's trust level but to its ongoing sense of romance. For many couples, just realizing that they shouldn't take their everyday interactions for granted makes an enormous difference in their relationship."

In looking over this past semester I've realized that while my relationship with Richard is not imploding, I haven't actively been working on it either. Going forward I'll start with at least one conscious act each day, that I will do specifically for Richard. I know that by doing this we'll be able to grow stronger and not let our relationship fall by the wayside.

It's the Little Things

Since I love sewing and working on lots of different projects, I have been getting a couple different things together for Richard, Gideon and Me, (We're going to be going to a Renaissance Fair soon, and want to go all out.) For my costume I wanted to find an epic chain belt to complete the ensemble. After looking through Amazon and other online stores and not finding something that I liked. I decided to see if I could make one. So I got Gideon ready while Richard changed into warmer clothes and off we went. On the way down we were listening to John Gottman's The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. We stopped it often to discuss the different principles and go over the relationship quizzes. Unfortunately about 10 minutes from Lowe's (where we were looking for some decorative chain) Gideon decided that he had had it with the car-seat and started screaming. Richard and I immediately started rattling off the different  nursery rhymes that have constantly been stuck in our heads to help calm Giddy, and it seamed to work. We even alternated the different lines in the songs. It felt pretty good to be in sync like that.  When we got to Lowe's and were able to get Giddy out he was ecstatic. He insisted on walking everywhere. He took hold of Richards finger and we proceeded to look around, Richard decided to race and see who would find it first, he did. Unfortunately it wasn't quite right so we continued on our quest and ended up in Joann's. Gideon was much happier on this shorter car trip. When we got to Joann's we decided that we would make my belt instead. Richard and Gideon helped find all of the pieces that we would need to make the best belt ever. Once we had checked out we stopped next door at the "free zoo" aka Petsmart so that Giddy could get all of his wiggles out before the long (at least for him) trip home. 

Now you may ask, "Why did I need to read the long spiel about your shopping trip?"

The reason I did this is because to me it illustrated Gottman's principle of Love Maps. He said, "There are few greater gifts a couple can give other than the joy that comes from feeling known and understood." While I could have easily gone down to Idaho Falls by myself and not had to deal with a screaming child, I wanted to do something together as a family. It is when you let the little everyday things become mundane that you can grow apart as a couple. Letting the trip to the store become more that a checklist of things to do. Ultimately it is when the little things fall to the wayside that the cracks and bigger problems occur in your relationship. Now you don't have to always make a trip for eggs a family outing, but sometimes it's a great way to shake up the little things.

Are argument's always bad?

Two weeks ago we were staying  with  family down in Utah. One night everyone was winding down for bed so I suggested to my husband that we hit the hay as well, it wasn't too early for us night-owls only about 9-ish. I had recently finished listening to the audio book for Mary Shelly's Frankenstein. As Richard was getting ready for bed, since it was unusually early for us to be going to bed, I figured that we could stay up just a bit longer and watch one of the Frankenstein films in our bedroom. I started looking up which one we could watch while Richard was snuggling down into the air mattress and fluffing up his pillow. It was at about this point that I found the version that I wanted to watch and excitedly told Richard that I had a surprise for him. (We had talked previously about finding a film adaptation of the book to watch earlier, but hadn't settled on a time, version, or place to watch one.) 

What happened next was not what I expected.

Richard was very adamant that we should just go to sleep, while I simply wanted to watch the movie. We ended up getting into a debate as to whether or not we should or should not watch the movie in bed or not and our reasons behind our choices. Both of us were very frank with each other and I even admitted that I was feeling childish but still didn't want to give in. Some people might even call it an argument. Ultimately it was all a matter of miscommunication mostly on my part. After talking for a couple hours we both felt better and had come to a resolution. Got to sleep and watch the film once we got home.

The next day while we were on the road we started  listening to John M. Gottman's The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. I have to say that we both started laughing when in Chapter 2 he started talking about conflict in marriage, since we had argued the previous night. It was however a wonderful experience to look at the argument we had just had with the new knowledge we were gaining from Dr. Gottman. We must have paused the book 500 times so that we could continue discussing and analyzing what we had each experienced and the advice from the book.

While I don't recommend arguing on purpose with your spouse, if you do,  John M. Gottman's The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, is a wonderful book to start reading together as a couple and hopefully you'll be able to laugh and gain a better understanding like Richard and I did.

Is Marriage Fair?

On my husband's wedding band I had the words  "For Time and all Eternity," engraved into the inside of his ring. This line is taken form the sealing ordinance performed in the sacred temples of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. What a grand and wonderful prospect, to know that this is only the start of eternity. Most all of my immediate family are members of the Church and as such being married in the Temple has been instilled in us from our infancy. However living a life to be temple ready is not an easy one, there are many sacrifices that must be made. Society today loves to focus on the individual instead of the partnership that has been created once married. Things will never be the way that they were before the marriage, and anyone who tells you otherwise is lying. Just before I got married my father told me the counsel that his father had given him before he got married. And it went something like this:

"Son, you're getting married, tell me, when you're married how is it best to divvy up all of the work?"

"Well, I think that 50/50 would be best."

"No... You have to be willing to give 100%, 100% of the time."

"But that's not fair."

"It doesn't matter if it's fair Son there will be days when your sweetheart for whatever reason can only give 36% and you can't just stop when you get to your 50, you have to be willing to go that extra 14 or even 50%, because you love her. And it works the other way as well, for those days when you can only give 22% she'll compensate for your missing 28%"

If you want a marriage that will last throughout all of the eternities, you need to be able to dedicate your whole self to it. Only then will you be able to weather the good and the bad, the joy's and the tragedies, the sunny weather and the hurricanes, together as equal partners for time and all eternity. After all this is only the beginning of your story together.

Using your Agency

One of the hot topic issues in today's society  is that of Same Sex Marriage. It seams as though everyone is passionately involved whether for or against. I remember my first exposure to the whole issue when my mother said that we would be holding signs in support of California's Proposition 8. I had a fun time with almost everyone from my church showing up and helping as well. However I did not know the full extent of what were supporting, I just knew that I was able to hang out with my friends. I didn't understand why there were those who were shouting at us in anger. Though I did not understand then I feel that I have been able to gain a better understanding of both sides now. Traditionally, marriage is a coming together of man and woman, into a contract which originates from our Father in Heaven. Over time the different governing bodies of the world have attached other significance's to marriage than simply a holy union.  Now I don't know anyone who gets married just for taxation purposes but it's definitely a nice side benefit. 

In my opinion and at least in my case most who oppose same sex marriage do not  have a hate for the individual who has found themselves in this situation. Instead they have a moral opposition to the lifestyle in place. In talking with my husband I have found myself really conflicted in writing this post. Morally I find that my values have taught me to not condone the homosexual lifestyle. We have been counseled by our leaders to  "stand as defenders of marriage" Which we are taught is between a Man and a Woman.  Yet I understand the turmoil that comes from uncertainty.  To often in my life I like  to play Devils Advocate so that I can better understand the opposing view. I understand the Supreme Court's position when they state, "The Constitution, however, does not permit the State to bar same-sex couples from marriage on the same terms as accorded to couples of the opposite sex."

Ultimately I will allow others to exercise their individual agency to choose the lifestyle that they feel is best for them. However I will use my agency in a way that will help me to keep my morals and strive to raise my children in a world or morals even if they are dwindling away in today's society. It is important to remember that each individual will use their agency to the best of their ability, no matter if that is the path well worn or that less traveled.

(This was prompted by my readings of the following:

-Obergefell v. Hodges, 576 U.S. (2015). Supreme Court of the United States

-Disciples of Jesus Christ-Defenders of Marriage. Brigham Young University Commencement

-The religious freedom implications of the Supreme Court’s decision on same-sex marriage in Obergefell V. Hodges

I probably paraphrased quite a bit, so I hope to go through later and and properly cite things. Until then, you know at least the general area where I got the information from)

Are you the exception?

Whenever you think of Divorce there are a hundred and one excuses to get one. He leaves the toilet seat up. She cheated on me. He won't put forth his fair share of the work. She's lazy. He let himself go. Or simply I fell out of love. In today's society everything needs to be done immediately, I need it right now. As soon as you experience the slightest bump of turbulence people will pull the emergency  tab and get away as soon as they can. People have stopped putting in the effort required to have a successful marriage. A few semesters ago Elder Jeffery R. Holland came up and gave a devotional to the Rexburg Married Student Stake. It was open to a question and answer session and someone asked a question about acceptable reasons for divorce. Elder Holland said that yes there were exceptions that allowed for varying circumstances but that he was sick and tired of talking about the exceptions to the standard. 

While the world at large likes to claim that about half of every marriage falls under the exception that is simply not the case. When you enter a marriage you need to go in expecting to be with your spouse forever. Because if you go in while still having a leg out of the back door I can guarantee that your marriage will end. No, your marriage will not be perfect. You will have highs and lows, but if you and your spouse are equally yoked and constantly working to better yourself and your marriage, I could almost guarantee that it will stand through the test of time and eternity.

Meeting the Family

So... there are only three of us right now in the Larson Clan (But who knows how long that will last:). I'm Darly (Carly) and my husband is Rinkers (Richard) We were married in February of 2016 and have absolutely loved being married. In July of 2018 we were joined by Gideon (our little Giddy Bug). He has truly lit up our lives as he learns and grows so do we. We're excited to share our journey with you.