Will I have a Mother or Monster-in-law?

Whenever anyone gets married one of the biggest looming worries is, “What will my in-laws be like? Will I have a Mother or Monster-in-law?” Fortunately, I think that both Richard and I lucked out. Why is it that everyone worries about these things? Whenever two people come together in marriage, it is not only two people. Instead it is the joining and merging of two families into one with the central binding link being the newly wedded couple. There are years of traditions and prejudices on both sides that now need to be gone through and changed into something new. Will your in-laws or parents be okay with you changing out their tradition for the others. While this doesn’t consciously go through your mind when you think about your new future in-laws, I think that subconsciously it does. You know that you have at least one thing in common with them, their child, your spouse.

It can be a very trying thing to be thrown in with a bunch of people that you’ve never met, so you’re the outsider, yet you know that you are now intimately tied to them for forever. When it comes time for the holidays you may want to stay close to home and what you know. But I think that it is very important to build a good relationship with your in-laws and be willing to spend as much time with them as you do your own family.

I know that those first few years can be a very difficult time, especially if your families are at different stages in life. I know that I am the second oldest in my family, so we still have a lot of weddings and missions and things that we are constantly going to support. Richard on the other hand is second youngest so all of those big events have already passed. As your marriage gets more established, you’ll be able to find that middle ground between your two families, and until then just remember that you love them both. And that there are different times in your lives when you will favor one side over the other and ultimately that’s okay.

Then Comes a Baby

First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage. At least that’s how the nursery rhyme goes. But what changes come along with that baby carriage? It can start with the sleepless nights and taking a lot of naps during the day. And a lot of couples can find themselves focusing on their children and helping them to learn and grow with each passing day. Unfortunately, a lot of couples find that after the children have left the house that their relationship isn’t how they remember it. This is usually because they have been focusing so much on their children that they have not had time to do things as a couple. How sad to spend at least 18 years together only to find out that you no longer know who your spouse is or what things they like to do.

While having children is absolutely a great blessing you still need to take time as a couple to work on your relationship each week. This does not have to be something large and elaborate. But, if you take at least an hour a week to really work on your relationship with your spouse your marriage and children will be blessed.

Another thing that you need to do when it comes to parenting is making sure that you are a united front. That means not throwing you spouse under the bus when your children start pressuring you to do things. If Dad said no then Mom needs to as well. Try your best to stand by each other’s parenting choices. If you don’t agree with what your spouse is doing take them aside and discuss it privately so that your kids don’t try to play off of both of you.

Lastly when you have children it is important to hold family councils, especially as they get older. Let your children have their own voice when it comes to making decisions, particularly when those decisions affect their lives as well. When everyone has an equal say in things there is less resentment and more peace in the home because everyone understands why certain decisions were made.

Should you have Boundaries

This week we’ve been talking a lot about intimacy, and how to protect your marriage from those things that could break in and destroy that intimacy like infidelity and pornography. Obviously, because of the subject, this makes things a lot harder to talk about, but I’ll do my best. No one ever goes into a marriage with the thought that they will become addicted to pornography or be unfaithful to their spouse. So, how does this happen? Obviously, I’m not an expert in this area but I hope to give my own thoughts and opinion on the subject.

 Fortunately, Richard and I have been married for four years now and not had do deal with any of this, but we have seen others that we are close to go through these things. Now like I said earlier, no one ever goes into a marriage with the thought that they will become addicted to pornography or be unfaithful to their spouse. In the world of medicine, they say it’s a lot easier to prevent something than to treat it, and the same can be applied to your marriage. If you and your spouse have talked about these things and set up boundaries beforehand then you won’t have to worry as much about finding out something someday. As with everything there is no one size fits all, so what I share below are some of the things that Richard and I have done to help protect our marriage.

The key for us is openness. Yes, we both have locks on our phones and computers, but we have shared that information with each other. Now that does not mean that we are snooping and looking for trouble on each other’s devices, but it’s open to the both of us. We’re also very open about who our friends are and who we hang out with. If some guy from class texts me about something I’ll let Richard know so that he is aware of the communication and can stop it if he deems it necessary. The same thing goes for him. A lot of it also comes down to what you are comfortable with and looking at the spirit of what you are doing.

A few months ago, Richard and I went to a masquerade ball. It was a fun and amazing time. Partway through I was getting tired, so we sat down for a few songs. While we were sitting, I single young lady came up to us and asked me if she could dance with my date. I actually found the whole situation hilarious, so I said sure. I knew that I was right there and that there was nothing that they could do without my seeing it. I also knew that there were a lot more girls than guys at this dance, so seeing one sit on the side is never a fun thing. And finally, I knew that Richard would probably mention his wife and son, which he did. Will I say yes in every situation, no. But that’s a personal choice, and you’ll have to follow the spirit and your gut most of the time. Ultimately it’s a wise thing to put up boundaries before they are actually needed.

Looking to the Future

These past few weeks I have been reading two marriage help books, those are “The Seven Principles for making Marriage Work” by John M. Gottman and “Drawing Heaven into your Marriage” by H. Wallace Goddard. Both of these books have offered many new insights into my marriage that we hadn’t thought about before. I did find that these books focused more on how to keep your marriage from falling apart. Now, while Richard and I have argued about things in the past, it’s never been so out of control that our marriage came into question. That’s one of the things that I loved about Gottman’s book is that they don’t expect you to be perfect. Instead it’s about how you deal with all of your imperfections that matter. When Richard and I were dating we loved the song “All of Me” by John Legend. The chorus and second verse is our favorite part.

How many times do I have to tell you
Even when you're crying you're beautiful too
The world is beating you down, I'm around through every mood
You're my downfall, you're my muse
My worst distraction, my rhythm and blues
I can't stop singing, it's ringing, in my head for you

My head's under water
But I'm breathing fine
You're crazy and I'm out of my mind

'Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I'll give my all to you
You're my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I'm winning
'Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all, all of you

It’s important to remember that no one is perfect, and no marriage is perfect either. However, it’s when we put our imperfections together to create a brand-new whole that we can grow stronger as a couple and overcome the little things that could drag us down.

As I said earlier Richard and I aren’t perfect, but we are continually trying to be our best self’s and hopefully avoid the major problems. But when they come, I know that we are both better prepared to handle whatever comes our way.

He had it comin'

Every marriage has their problems, From full blown screaming matches to arguing about who's turn it is to do the dishes. Ultimately it comes down to how you handle and deal with those problems that will make the difference in your marriage. For most couples the screaming matches don't happen every day, but it's the little things that will add up over time until one day a dirty sock is what breaks the relationship. I am a lover of musicals and in writing this post my husband reminded me of the first verse in the Cell Block Tango from the musical Chicago. I think that it is a great example of what can happen when you let perpetual problems build up.

"You know how people have these little habits that get you down

Like Bernie

Bernie, he liked to chew gum

No, not chew, pop

So I came home this one day

And I'm really irritated

And I'm looking for a little bit o' sympathy

And there's Bernie lyin' on the couch, drinkin' a beer and chewin'

No, not chewin'

Poppin'

So, I said to him, I said "You pop that gum one more time"

And he did

So I took the shotgun off the wall

And I fired two warning shots

Into his head

He had it comin'

He had it comin'

He only had himself to blame

If you'd have been there

If you'd have heard it

I betcha you would have done the same"

While this is a more extreme example of dealing with perpetual problems just think how differently the story would have been had they dealt with her annoyance at Bernie's gum popping differently.

Contrast this song with my own experiences with my husband Richard. (Don't worry there are no shotguns involved) Richard comes from a family of six boys, no sisters. So in his house was the courteous thing to leave the toilet seat up. Unfortunately for me I did not find this as courteous. Especially when I tried to use the toilet in the middle of the night and almost fell in a few times. I could have handled it like the convict from Chicago...but I like Richard to much for that. So instead whenever I found the toilet seat up I would promptly call Richard into the bathroom so that he could close it and give me kisses at the same time. And it worked, although it did take about a year, and my bladder being full for a few more seconds than normally comfortable.

Ultimately do your best to turn those perpetual problems into a moment of joy. For me it meant that I got more kisses from my husband when he left the toilet seat up. What can you do to change your attitude about the little things?

Pride

This past week I've been studying more about pride, specifically on how it can affect our marriages. In a General Conference talk given by Ezra Taft Benson in 1989 he said, "Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves. Most of us consider pride to be a sin of those on the top, such as the rich and the learned, looking down at the rest of us. (See 2 Ne. 9:42.) There is, however, a far more common ailment among us—and that is pride from the bottom looking up. It is manifest in so many ways, such as faultfinding, gossiping, backbiting, murmuring, living beyond our means, envying, coveting, withholding gratitude and praise that might lift another, and being unforgiving and jealous." Often times you won't recognize the pride in yourself because you are being prideful. So how do we fix that. The key to fixing it is first to recognize that you are being prideful, and then to humble yourself and turn toward others.

In Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage by H. Wallace Goddard it reads, "In great literature—including scripture—the highest and noblest service entailed sacrifice and selflessness. In contrast, evil was always self-centered and self-serving." How true this is, at least in all of the books that I have read it's usually when the protagonist gives up everything that the situation turns around and actually gets better. In Goddard's book he also said, "To the modern mind, it doesn’t make logical “sense” that if we sacrifice our own wants and needs, in favor of our spouses, that we will find true joy and happiness."

I know that even though this doesn't follow with what the world tells us it is absolutely true. I have found that it is when I am serving and helping my husband Richard and my son Gideon, that I am at my happiest, even if it's when I'm doing something that I don't particularly like, like cleaning, it's when we're serving each other and working together that you can find great joy and watch your marriage grow.

Turning to your Spouse

With the "me" culture becoming so prevalent in today's society, how do we turn away from ourselves and toward our spouse? This past July my husband Richard graduated and  is currently in the process of waiting to hear back from Grad Schools for a Doctorate in Physical Therapy, he's currently driving school buses for the Middle and Elementary Schools. This April I will be graduating. I've found that since Richard has graduated, the little things have started to revolve more around me. This is mostly because I'm also working in the Sewing Labs, taking 14 credits and have had homework, and I'm also Pregnant and morning sickness has not been very nice to me. Because of these and other reasons Richard has ended up being the one doing the dishes, tending to Gideon, making dinner, all of the little  things that add up. 

To be honest even though the arrangement we have works, and makes sense for the situation we are in, I've been feeling like a bad spouse since I'm not participating in the traditional marriages allotment of chores, and things have been more focused on me and my needs, instead of Richards. Now I know that everyone's circumstances are different and adjustment need to be made so that each family is doing what's best for them, but that's simply how I've been feeling.

In Gottman's book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work he states, "The first step in turning toward each other more is simply to be aware of how crucial these mini-moments are, not only to your marriage's trust level but to its ongoing sense of romance. For many couples, just realizing that they shouldn't take their everyday interactions for granted makes an enormous difference in their relationship."

In looking over this past semester I've realized that while my relationship with Richard is not imploding, I haven't actively been working on it either. Going forward I'll start with at least one conscious act each day, that I will do specifically for Richard. I know that by doing this we'll be able to grow stronger and not let our relationship fall by the wayside.